All I want for Christmas is a flat top sheet

Yes, my dear Watson, it is true. All I want for Christmas is a white, twin-size, flat, 400-thread, Egyptian cotton, top sheet. I cannot find any flat, top sheets in Thailand. I thought I had staked out the desired object twice, only to be foiled by deceptive packaging

and my inability to read Thai: first by the department store called “Big C” (K-Mart on permanent blue-light special, topped with fish sauce)

and second by a place called “Koncept” (Ikea but cheaper, across from a place called Makro, or, Costco on MSG).

Insult to injury: the ugly green pillowcases don't even match the fitted sheet

Setting up house here in northern Thailand is no elementary task, involving trips by bicycle 

Someone has to be "the sweep"

 and by tuk tuks. 

tuk tuk headed down Soi (alley) 6, outside our gate

 Initially, I outwitted the Thai sensibility by bringing my own queen-size sheet set from the States for my bed, but alas, my suitcase was 49 plus pounds, and could not fit one more thin little mint. Now I am trying to make a comfortable guest bed for the intrepid person who dares to make the journey to the Land Without Top Sheets, but, alas again, not only will you be subject to a mattress harder than the most seasoned Napoleon of crime, but you will also be forced to cover your nakedness with a heavy, nasty thing called a “duvet.” 
​
​Whoever came up with this vilest of a thing called a duvet should be forced to spend eternity wrapped in thousands of unwashed, scratchy, smelly, duvets on fire, drug from the cesspools of Bangkok, all while gazing at pictures of mortals resting in blissful repose under cool top sheets of the finest spun cotton. It remains an unsolvable mystery: during my five months investigating Thailand and Laos, I have yet to encounter a hotel or guesthouse bed with a top, flat sheet. I have first hand evidence.

I couldn't imagine a better place to spend Valentine's Day with my sweetheart than under this duvet

Wanliya "Resort" Mai Sai, Thailand, 2/14/2015

Meanwhile, back at my homestead, I chopped the gathered edges of the ugly green fitted sheet with my scissors, bought at the 20 baht store

Flowered-shirt guy pays a frequent visit to the Less-than-a-Dollar store, Sanklongluang Street, Chiang Rai

and made a sorry-looking top flat sheet

Scene of the crime

 I think you know my Cheap Charlie husband’s methods by now; nothing more than 20 baht ($0.56 cents) can be spent on anything - other than bikes of course.  

All that biking requires much rest

But forgive me, I digress. According to my Western persuasion, the selling of top sheets should be elementary; the Thais sell every thing else under the sun, and the average temperature in Chiang Rai in November is 84 F. Could it be that the impossible is true? That Thais like to be hot?

Promotion event outside our favorite beauty shop, downtown Chiang Rai

Thai dancer waits backstage, Chiang Rai cultural festival, December 2014

No, not that kind of fair sex hotness, silly. 

The other hot. The curious incident where even the dogs bear witness to the belief that any temperature below 80 F requires covering with heavy things,

Street dog outside Yoddai Coffee & Tea Cafe, December 2014

Waew and a new friend, Chiang Mai bus station, 1/30/15

and where chefs seem to enjoy setting themselves on fire.

Preparing the Morning Glory vegetables

Setting veggies on fire; we could feel the heat where we sat several tables away

It's all good

Bruce, Waew & Jiab destroy the evidence, 11/4/15

Therefore, my dear Watson, if you could avail yourself to find clues as to this warped persistence that persons should cover themselves with blankets versus sheets in a land where sweat knows no end, please enlighten me. And send a top sheet, please. That would be most excellent.

Inspiration for this blog taken from: 
http://www.bestofsherlock.com/top-10-sherlock-quotes.htm#impossible